Am copy pasting something I read somewhere and has left me in deep reverie...Sounds so much like my story...!!!
Dear laptop diary,
I write to you today not because
I want to share my thoughts with anyone (they are too morbid... un-shareable) but
because I want to tell myself certain things that are necessary for me to take
control of my life. The past year or so I have been drifting towards a state of
helplessness, feeling as if there is no future or hope for me. I am sinking
deep into a hole that has been if not entirely then definitely partially dug by
myself. I have always set reasonably high standards for myself. Oh...Let me
correct that...incredibly high standards would be more truthful. There are many
reasons for the same. Coming from a family of high achievers, the nothing but
the best attitude at home while growing up, all made me a complex individual
who could be satisfied with ...you guessed it...Nothing but the best.
But the best comes at a cost. And
everything cannot be the best. What is best? Is my best same as the other
person’s best? Who’s best is best for me. As I reread what I have written so
far and run a spell check, grammar check repeatedly, I do realize that it is my
idiosyncrasies at play again. Yes I know no one will ever read this document.
For that matter even I may not have the heart to look at it again. But so what,
It has to be done right and so it will be.
As I sat in my balcony staring at
the blue sky speckled with cottony clouds, I wonder why God left out wings when
he made humans. I mean, He clearly had the technical know-how and expertise to
put wings in large animals (read Flying dinosaurs... Jurassic park) and yet he chose
not to equip Humans, His best creation so far with wings. What do you think
would have been the reason? Did he feel it would make them far too supreme to co
adjust with the other residents of this planet? Or did he simply forget? More
likely, he wanted us humans to feel our weight, tread every step that takes us
forward. In short probably he wanted us to dwell better on where we are going
and what path we want to take.
But how many of us are able to do
just that? Not me for sure. Every decision in my life has either been taken by
someone else or it has been a response to some rat race stimuli. I chose to
study science with economics because it was the coolest combination on offer in
School. Chose to become an engineer because that’s what intelligent people do.
Chose to get married soon after my degree because I didn’t want to get the
leftover fat 30 plus guys had waited for another couple of years. Chose to have
a baby immediately after shaadi because that seemed to be the purpose of my life
(from my in-laws, their relatives and their neighbours’ viewpoint...and that’s
a lot of people dear diary!). Ah...I think I can safely blame the world for all
the decisions they forced me to take.
Or can I?
Time for a reality check...I
realise very well today that me decisions are my own and blaming others for the
same is nothing but a sign of supreme weakness. It is time that I take hold of
my life, use all the good education that I have acquired over the years to help
myself and draw myself out of this black hole .
Like most people my age I am also
struggling to balance work and home. And again like most people my age, I feel
work leaves me very little time to spend with myself and my family. It’s a
typical catch 22 situation. I do not want to give up the financial security and
freedom from home chores that the “job” offers and yet I long to be back home
again as soon as I step into office. Many times I console myself by saying that
I am working purely for the money. And yeah...everyone needs money.
Below I list down some baby steps
that I need to take in order to come out of the mess that I have created. Not
sure if I will be able to follow them... but then...what the heck...there is
nothing to lose...considering that sanity is almost already lost.
- 1. Wake up early in the morning and thank God for keeping me alive for another day. I know this sounds so tacky...I mean...God and all...!!And yet, if there is anything that should matter more than anything else in this world, it is the fact that we are alive, living near our dear ones. Waking up next to my cute husband and charming kiddo (no... I did not mix up the adjectives) is most definitely the most underrated one of all my blessings.
- 2. Start my day with a smile followed by music and exercise. Music to stimulate the mind and exercise to bring out the happy hormones.
- 3. Be happy, thankful and excited about my job as I step into the office cab every day. Yes...the hours are demanding, the boss is eccentric and leaves are as rare as mangoes in winter. But come to think of it...This job IS my calling. It is one of the very few things in life that I have chosen for myself. The guilt of spending hours away from my kid will remain. But open up the pragmatic eye...the money I earn pays for my salon visits, the resort breaks and most importantly will one day pay for my little kiddo’s education. Will I really be able to spend more time with him if I quit my job? If I calculate, I will be able to spend around 90 minutes extra. But add the daily frustration of doing nothing and those 90 minutes may well turn into another nagging cum admonishment session which my friend, is best avoided. Quality over Quantity...yeah...you said it!
- 4. Set daily targets for myself at work. Yes...the colourful post- its that have been lying unused for so long need to be gleefully put to use. I need to define my priorities for the day on a daily basis. Do as much as I can and accept humbly that I cannot do everything. Its human...and its normal.
- 5. Learn to talk freely and share my thoughts with colleagues and friends. Unnecessary diplomacy and so called professional attitude begins to accumulate pent up frustrations in our minds. Talking regularly with friends helps to release the pressure and diffuses the tension that builds up through the week. Pressure cookers are better kept in the kitchen...not in our minds!
- 6. Follow the above 5 steps. The rest should hopefully fall in place. If they don’t, then dear diary, we shall have another chat!
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